There’s Another Way: The Self-Compassion Shift that Changed Everything

We’ve all heard that self-compassion means being gentle, kind, and patient with ourselves. And while that’s true, what if there’s another way? What if self-compassion could also mean standing up for yourself, setting boundaries, and refusing to let self-doubt take over? What if self-compassion isn’t just about being soft—but also about standing strong, protecting your well-being, and saying no when needed? The part of you that fiercely protects your wellbeing, stands firm, and refuses to let self-doubt take over. Have you ever stopped to notice how you speak to yourself—especially when anxiety kicks in?

For many of us, it’s not the voice of support—it’s the voice of:

• Self-criticism – “Why can’t I just get over this?”
• Doubt – “What if I mess this up?”
• Comparison – “Everyone else seems to handle things better than me.”

When we’re constantly hard on ourselves, it can leave us feeling stuck, overwhelmed, and even more anxious. Instead of helping us move forward, it can make everything feel heavier.

The Shift that Changed Everything for Me

For a long time, I thought self-compassion meant softening my inner voice, being kinder to myself, and practicing mindfulness. But when anxiety showed up—when I felt overwhelmed, exhausted, or doubted myself—kindness didn’t always feel like enough. That’s when I discovered fierce self-compassion, and it changed everything.

Why Self-Compassion Matters for Anxiety

The world can feel overwhelming at times—whether it’s personal challenges, social pressures, or unsettling news. When life feels chaotic, our inner voice can either be a source of comfort or a harsh critic. Science backs this up—Dr. Kristin Neff’s research found that self-compassion actually lowers stress and anxiety. When you speak to yourself with kindness instead of criticism, it signals to your brain that you’re safe—helping to calm your nervous system.
Research by Dr. Kristin Neff (2003) shows that people who practice self-compassion experience lower levels of stress and anxiety. Why? Because when you speak to yourself with kindness instead of criticism, it signals to your brain that you’re safe—helping to calm your nervous system.

Self-compassion isn’t about ignoring problems or pretending everything is fine. It’s about acknowledging struggles without selfjudgment and responding to yourself the way you would to a friend.

Come Again???? Compassion Isn’t Just Soft—It’s Strong, Too?

Fierce self-compassion isn’t about being aggressive—it’s about standing up for yourself with the same care and determination you would show to a loved one. It’s knowing when to be kind and when to be firm, and recognising that self-compassion sometimes looks like tough love.

Dr. Neff describes two sides of self-compassion:

1. Tender self-compassion – Offering yourself warmth, care, and understanding.
2. Fierce self-compassion – Setting boundaries, standing up for yourself, and taking action to protect your well-being.

Self-compassion isn’t just about being kind—it’s also about being strong. It’s about knowing when to rest and when to rise, when to comfort yourself and when to take action. Think of a mama bear protecting her cubs—strong, unwavering, and willing to step in when needed. That’s the energy of fierce self-compassion. While many of us are comfortable with tender self-compassion, fierce self-compassion is just as important. It’s not just about being kind to yourself—it’s about standing up for yourself, setting boundaries, and refusing to let self-doubt take over. It’s not just about being kind to yourself—it’s about honouring your needs, protecting your energy, and advocating for yourself when necessary.

Compassion isn’t just about offering yourself warmth—it’s also about knowing when to be firm. It’s about recognising that you deserve respect, boundaries, and care—just as much as anyone else. That’s the energy of fierce self-compassion. If someone you love was being treated unfairly, you’d step up for them, right? Fierce self-compassion is about showing up for yourself in the same way. It’s about recognising when you need to protect your energy, say no, or stop apologising for taking up space. Fierce self-compassion encourages you to show up for yourself in the same way you would for someone you care about.

Examples of Fierce Self-Compassion

If you struggle with setting boundaries or advocating for yourself, here are some examples of fierce self-compassion in action:

• Saying no without guilt – Turning down extra work when your plate is already full, even if you feel pressured to say yes.
• Speaking up for yourself – Addressing unfair treatment instead of brushing it off.
• Walking away from toxic relationships – Recognising when a relationship is harming your well-being and stepping back.
• Prioritising your own needs – Taking a break, resting, or making time for yourself without feeling selfish.
• Challenging negative self-talk – Actively reframing harsh inner criticism with self-supportive language.

Try This: A Self-Compassion Check-in

The next time anxiety shows up, try these steps:

1. Notice your inner voice – What are you saying to yourself in that moment?
2. Ask: Would I say this to a friend? – If the answer is no, your inner voice might be too harsh.
3. Reframe it with kindness – Instead of “I can’t handle this,” try “I’m doing my best, and that’s enough.”

💡 You don’t have to be positive all the time—you just have to be kinder to yourself.

Final Thoughts: The Power of Fierce & Tender Self-Compassion

Self-compassion isn’t just about soothing yourself in difficult moments—it’s about creating a foundation of resilience. Anxiety often feeds on self-doubt, but when you practice both tender and fierce self-compassion, you build the inner strength to handle life’s challenges with more ease.

If self-compassion feels unnatural at first, that’s okay. It’s not just about being kind to yourself—it’s about standing up for yourself, setting boundaries, and making sure you’re not the one getting left behind. Like any skill, it takes practice, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes. And trust me—it’s worth it. Anxiety often feeds on self-doubt. But the way you talk to yourself can either fuel that anxiety—or help calm it.

Start small. Notice your inner voice today and ask: Is this helping me or hurting me? A little more self-kindness can go a long way.

💡 If you found this helpful, this is just one of the many insights I share in my Self-Awareness Is My Superpower eBook. Inside, you’ll find real tools, guided exercises, and space to reflect—helping you not just understand self-compassion, but actually apply it in your daily life. If you’re ready to dive deeper into understanding yourself and building resilience, you can get your copy here